1/30/11

I often forget that i am not the center of the universe. Sitting on a full bus observing everyone makes me wonder what is going on in all of their lives. Who is blissfully happy, who's struggling with addiction, which ones are in love, which ones are putting on the working class front and dying on the inside.

Sometimes i get so wrapped up in my own life and my own ups and downs, that i forget that someone out there has it a lot worse than i do. I have amazing friends, a crazy mom i wouldn't trade for the world, a full time job i'm appreciated at. Yeah, i may be broke all the time, but i'm alive, i'm loved, and i'm sober.

That is what i am grateful for today, that i'm slowly climbing out of that gynormous hole i've dug and i'm not trying to see how far deep i can go anymore.

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surrounded with positive even when the negative is trying to get it

I am grateful for the positive people in my life. For those who are always there to help or lend an ear. I'm grateful for the girls i work with that can always make me smile. I'm grateful for those that i can call to help show the positive when i'm blinded by the negative. I just have to keep remembering it could be worse, although at this current moment my bubble of how things should be has been popped. Things will work out the way they're supposed to. Things never seem to go the easy way for me, but what kind of excitment does that bring i suppose.

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random thought this morning.

I don't know what randomly made me think of my father this morning, but i am grateful for him meeting my mom and marrying her and producing me and my brother bears. I love my brothers and couldn't imagine having only sisters or being an only child. They're my little bigs and are always there for me.

Although i don't agree with anything my father did, beating my mom and causing her pain that she still goes through, i understand him. In the back of my mind i think alot of why i was able to pull through was because i didn't want to be him. My mom said he was such a great man before he started doing drugs and then the drugs took over his life. They became more important to him than his wife and kids, the withdrawls caused him to do things he wouldn't do sober. I myself have done those things, although i wasn't violent, i just wasn't acting in my normal fashion.

I'm sad that he wasn't able to get his addicition under control and he missed out on his 3 amazing children. I often wonder what life would have been like with 2 parents, having a dad to coach my softball teams, or having a dad there to "scare" any guys i dated (although i do know that my brothers have stepped up into that role in the past :). But i don't think i would have had it any other way. My mom did everything she could to raise us into good people and she did one hell of a job.

Today i am grateful i was given life by both my mother and father. I have learned so much from both of them even though my father wasn't around, he taught me through his actions what not to do.

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progress

Today i am grateful for all the progress i have made. On feb 2 i will have completed treatment! It took me almost 3 years to complete a one year program, but i have done it! I feel accomplished. It's amazing when you do good things that good things happen to you. I'm back on the path i should be on and it makes me happy :)

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my crazy

Today i am grateful for my crazy (aka my momma). Although she is absolutely insane i love her.

I'm glad we have the relationship where she feels comfortable talking to me or she's able to call me crying if she wants comfort. It hasn't always been like that. In highschool she was the lady who said no or insisted i wake her up when i got home so she could make sure i was home by curfew. At the time i thought it was absurd and she was being too overprotective, i know it was all because she loved me. Our relationship was more mother/daughter when i was in highschool.

When i moved out and went to college we became friends. It's amazing when i didn't have to actually answer to her how we could be friends. I tried to call her every couple days to say hi and update her on life. She was always very supportive but encouraged me to make my own decisions and therefor have to deal with anything that happened in result of those decisions. The best thing i ever did was make her proud by graduating from the UW. She cried out of joy and that me even more proud of my accomplishment because of how proud she was. To me it was just something i had to do, the next step, but she reminded me it was a big deal.

The next "phase" of my life doesn't make me proud except i got thru it. I was ripping and running not caring who i hurt in my path of destruction. But my mom was the only person who stood by me at all times. She visited me in jail, went to my court dates, spoke at my sentencing, she was just there if i needed to cry about the relationship i was in. We regressed back to mother/daughter, but not where she told me what to do, it was mixed with our already established friendship. She told me more about her experiences with my father in more detail that made me realize she had been there and made me have more understanding for where she's been. The one thing that broke my heart was that my mom told me she felt like a bad mother because of what i was doing, that my actions were a reflection of her parenting. That was one thing that helped me in my quest towards sobriety. I wanted my momma to be proud of me instead of thinking she was a bad parent because i was addicted to oxycontin and committing crimes to get what i wanted.

Today the mother/daughter roles have been reversed. We still have our friendship but now my mom is going thru her own rough times. I am now able to be there for her. That makes me happy that she's comfortable to talk to me about her own failing relationship and the problems in her life. I'm there if she needs comforting or just someone and talk to. Two years ago there is no way i could have been that person.

I'm grateful for my crazy lady. Without her i know i would have less amusement in my life. I couldn't even imagine not having her in my life. I have the delusion she will live forever :) i'm grateful for her friendship and support thru this crazy journey her and i are both on.

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today

Today i am grateful just for today.

If anything was going to go wrong today it did. But even thru all the stresses i am grateful to just have today. It could be worse.

I watched a show last night called "scared straight" and it was a type of intervention program for troubled teens to experience prison before they themselves end up there. Obviously i am not one to take someone else's word and i therefore am stubborn and usually need to do it myself to figure out if it's for me or not. But the show made me wonder if i had "experienced" jail before actually going if it would have made a difference. Although i wasn't a "troubled" teen, on the contrary i was an A student. But maybe to have that knowledge for "just in case", it could have made a difference.

But alas, i had to experience it myself, not prison, but jail. I don't know how i would have coped being incarcerated for multiple years. 90 days was my prison.

That leads me to be grateful that i never got that far, that i had my education, my "good girl" past to reinforce that prison was not where i was supposed to be. Although i continued to challenge that decision, the "system" always had faith in me. I am grateful today to be free and clear of being controlled by a substance. Maybe not free and clear, but the decisions i continue to make on a daily basis to stay away from people who choose that as their lifestyle help me stay free and clear. Not having it constantly shoved in my face makes it easier to say no.

I am happy to meet life's challenges head on rather than running from them. I get to actually feel rather than using oxycotin to numb me so i can just forget. I am grateful for emotions. I get to feel for once and that is something amazing.

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accountability

Today i am grateful for having accoutability in my life.

I have a job which i am eternally grateful for. Today i was called in the office and talked to about a couple calls i rushed through and were not up to standard. At first i was upset but i thought about and i'm grateful that it was brought to my attention. I want to excel in my job and if i'm doing something less than perfect then i do want to be aware. I want to be someone my managers are greatful for not someone that could easily replaced. I made the extra effort to make sure my calls were nothing less than perfect the rest of the day.

I slowed down and realized my job is not about how many calls i can take but the experience that the guests have when they call. I stopped trying to multitask between regular calls and my new responsibilities for my new position.

A good job is worth doing correctly instead of half assed. i know that the guests appreciate it, my managers appreciate it, and i feel better knowing everyone is happy.

Tomorrow i need to remind myself how grateful i am for my job and having transportation to and from. I know this snow that is falling is going to suck walking in, but in the end, the pay off is always more rewarding. I feel better about who i am today versus where i was a year ago from today.

A year ago i was wearing red, renting out space in the king county hotel. I am grateful i am not there. Every morning i walk down the hill in the morning and i see the jail, i know the schedule of the inmates and what they are doing. I am grateful for my freedom to walk by it, to a job i love, and i'm accountable for my life.

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glad i'm not there

Today i am greatful for the people in my life. The ones who are always there when i ask for help. I'm also greatful for the people in my life who make it difficult. It reminds me that there are actually people who are there for me rather than against me. I'm also greatful that although times are still rough for me finance wise, i'm spending my money on things that better my life rather than hinder me. I'm glad that my decisions aren't causing other people strife and stress *ahem* the girl who decided to spend all her money on drugs rather than pay her phone bill, which affects the other person on the plan (me). I hate that i have to ask for help to take care of her problem. But it reminds me of the wonderful people who surround me and want me to do better. I'm glad that i no longer have to choose between getting high and being responsible. I'm also glad that since i'm not artifically numbed i'm aware of other people's feelings, i don't just not care, i don't avoid phone calls, i'm a grown up unfortunately and it's about time i start acting like one.

Today i am a greatful for my true friends and family who are nothing but supportive of my recovery and progress.

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things i'm greatful for 1/3/11

1. My "kinda" freedom, which right now is better than the alternative!
2. My sobriety
3. My crazy insane momma :)
4. My promotion at work!
5. My friends who are always there to help me when i ask for it, and even when i don't :)
6. Having a warm place to sleep.
7. The bus being on time and no traffic!
8. Knowing that tomorrow isn't promised and if today was my last day I'd be happy with what I've accomplished and how far I've come.
9. My education.
10. A warm coat and gloves in this chilly weather

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