7/13/11

Today I am grateful that my long days this week have been going by pretty quickly.

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7/12/11

Today I am grateful that I got to wake up to my alarm in my own bed rather than waking up to someone over the loud speaker laying on a thin mattress pad with sheets thousands have slept on.

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7/6/11

Today I am grateful for finally being considered "normal", hey at least I don't open umbrellas on the bus for shade like it's normal.

(I tried to get a picture but we went thru a shady spot and she took it down :)

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6/24/11

Today I am grateful for being able to spend quality time with my crazy and have her be in a pretty good mood for at least 75% of the time :)

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6/19/11

Today on fathers day, I am grateful I grew up without him. I am far better now being raised by my mom rather than by a man who couldn't even take care of himself. The best thing he could do was stay away and let my momma raise us, which she did an amazing job for what she went through.

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6/17/11

Today I am grateful for non drowsy allergy medication. With sunshine comes pollen and sneezing and I need something to stop the sneezing that that allows me to enjoy the day!

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6/11/11

I am grateful my little cousin is growing into a beautiful little girl and I get to be there to be a good role model for her.

Love her!

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6/8/11

Today I am grateful for the perks that come with this job. Got my hair and makeup done, now if I could figure out what to do to show it off.

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6/5/11

I'm grateful that I got to use my workout clothes for working out yesterday! :)

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6/2/11

Today I am grateful my bills are paid and I'm not getting bill collectors harassing me. I'm broke, but the bills are paid, so that makes me it worth it.

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5/31/11

Today I am grateful that I don't have to worry about going to court today. It's a glorious feeling.

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5/29/11

Today I am grateful for my "mondays" being my short days. Sometimes 8 hours is just too much to work.

I'm also grateful to have the house to myself the next couple of days. Sometimes some Shawna time is exactly what I need.

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5/28/11

Today I am grateful for sunny days and good friends

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5/24/11

Today i am grateful for free pedicures on my lunch break! Pretty toes and flip flops are considered acceptable work shoes afterwards. Yay!

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5/22/11

Today I am grateful i have friends who care about me and act in my best interest even when i don't see it :)

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5/20/11

Today I am grateful for my competitive nature. It caused me to win a contest at work, which allowed me to recieve my first massage ever. It was amazing.

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5/18/11

Today i am grateful that todays 6 inch sub of the day was turkey for $2.99. That made my day. Delicious lunch for cheap.

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5/13/11

Today I am grateful for 2 years and a day of sobriety. (My blogger app wasn't working yesterday). It's amazing how much better life is today. It's beautiful out, i couldn't ask for a better day.

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5/10/11

Today i am grateful i don't have an 8 year old son who is obnoxious and gets into everything.

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5/7/11

Today i am grateful for getting to spend time with Ashley. I am in serious need of some girl time. :)

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5/3/11

Today i am grateful for new beginnings and the grace i have to deal with new situations as they arise.

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5/1/11

Today i am grateful that it's gorgeous out and i could spend my lunch in the park by my work taking a nap in the shade.

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4/27/11

Today i am grateful for busses that come on time and don't skip whole cities on their routes!

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4/26/11

Today i am grateful to know there are families out there just as crazy as mine. It's nice to know i'm not alone :)

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4/25/11

Today i am grateful that since i had a 3 day weekend, i only have a 4 day week. Hopefully it goes by quickly and this week is better than last :)

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4/24/11

Today i am grateful for lazy days where i can stay in my PJ's all day and that technically i got paid to do so :)

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4/23/11

Today i am grateful it's a beautiful day out, i have a 3 day weekend, and i get to spend time with friends and family.

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4/22/11

Today i am grateful i am not a bitter old lady who feels the need to complain about everything and make up stories that affects a person's job. Ugh!

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4/20/11

Today i am grateful for my friends at work who let me vent when crazy drama hits the fan. I'm grateful that these girls have moved from my "work friends" to be people i could call on for anything.

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4/15/11

Today reminds me even more how grateful i am for my crazy. My friend from work told me .that her mom went to the doctors and found out her cancer had gotten worse and she has 3-9 months. I couldn't imagine losing my mom. I would then go crazy! But my friend lost her dad to suicide ten years ago and then her mom got into drugs and went to prision. I'm grateful that when i was going thru my stuff i didn't have kids. And i'm greatful that when i do have kids that my children will not have to deal with me in and out of their lives.

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4/11/11

Today i am grateful for coffee. For some reason my alarm didn't go off this morning and i was rushing to get ready. Once i got to work i was able to get some coffee and relax and prepare for the day to come. Coffee helps keep me awake and that i am grateful. I am also grateful for the way coffee brings people together. Coffee is the perfect excuse to meet up with an old friend, new friend, or thefriend you just saw yesterday. It gives a reason for people to come together. I hear many people talking about getting drinks with old friends to catch up, which seems pointless to me. Once people are drinking the world becomes all about one self and not about listening to the person you are there with. The surroundings are loud and noisey. Coffee places have seating where you can have a private conversation with someone and not have to yell over music or the town drunk seated next to you. I'm sure that when any important decisions are being made coffee is in the room somewhere :)

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4/10/11

Today i am grateful for my brothers. I am grateful that now that we're all adults we can be friends. My brothers are complete opposites. Tyler is the worry wart and everything must be planned to the T. Matthew on the other hand is more of the "whatever" attitude about life. I know that i let them both down as their big sister as someone they could look up to, but after dinner with them last night it seems like i'm gaining some of it back. They both told me how proud of me they are. I am just so grateful that i have two younger brothers, i wouldn't have it any other way. I know they both are always there for me if i need it. Of course Tyler would be the one to talk to about advice and Matthew would be the one if i needed the crap kicked out of someone :) it was Matthews birthday dinner so he got to choose the place. He chose a chinese buffet which i never eat enough for the price they charge, but it was his birthday, so of course up to him. I was just happy to spend some time with both of them.

I was also grateful for 2 days off which i spent basically in my sweats with some fatty snacks and bad TV. It was glorious! I left for dinner with the bros, to go to walmart with Capricha (which i wore my sweats to) and to walk to the store yesterday. It was exactly what i needed after working 7 straight days!

Now it's back to work! Well today went by super fast since it was my short day. Now time to spend with good friends. What a beautiful "monday"!

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4/7/11

Today i am grateful for random acts of kindness. I always forget how good a random act of kindness makes one feel. I've always wanted to go to starbucks and buy the person behind me their drink. Just so they can feel good. This week i am going to work on doing random acts of kindness. Although i won't be able to buy coffee for anyone anytime soon, a hello and a smile go a long way.

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4/1/11

Today i'm grateful for chocolate. It's been my staple these last couple days. I've been in a funk over life this week. I feel like i'm barely keeping my head above water. I feel like although i've improved myself dramatically over the last 2 years it's the part of having had to do so is what i'm stressing about. I keep trying to remind myself everything happens for a reason and even though i may not see the reason, the reason is there. So mass amounts of chocolate is in my cards! Chocolate does wonders. The different kinds of chocolate to fit every type of grumpy mood, even the different ways that one can eat it. The possibilities are endless! I'm grateful to be in a completly different spot than i was 2 years ago, but until i get to where i feel i need to be, chocolate will continue to be in my desk, my purse, my closet, the fridge and freezer. :)

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3/28/11

My challenge for the day is to figure out why i would be grateful for criticism. It's defiantly not one of my favorite things to hear, but there are positive things about criticism.

- i am able to hear what other people think about me and my work. Sometimes i get caught up in the World of Shawna that i forget that how i think i'm doing something may not be the most efficent way.

- it allows me to recognize my areas of weakness and to work on improving myself and my actions.

- i may not be doing something wrong, but criticism allows me to see things from an angle i may not have seen before.

- it allows me to see what other options there are for something i'm doing and i'm able to meld that into my own actions.

I know that when people are pointing something out they are not trying to rude, but instead helpful. They are looking out for my best interest and want me to become a more complete person. I am working on not taking criticism personally. If i listen with both ears i can hear how helpful they are being so i can truely be gracious for what they are saying.

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3/20/11

Today i am grateful for sobriety. Last night i was watching Intervention and it was the first time i have ever cried while watching tv. Usually the person is addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth, or heroin. This one the girl was addicted to oxycontin. It was a wakeup call to see how this girl talked to people and made herself out to be the victim. I remember yelling and screaming at my mom or my other family members that they didn't understand, when all they were doing was trying to help me and understand why their smart girl had turned into this monster. I am grateful to have built my relationships back up with my family, especially my crazy lady. Watching that woman freak out on tv made me grateful i am not there, i am not dependent upon a drug to live.

I still feel like i'm drowning sometimes but my thoughts are more clear. I find some of my own stinking thinking rise up sometimes about getting money, not for drugs, but for money. Being broke i equate to when i was using drugs because before then if i needed something i had the means to pay for it. Now i have a job and i have to rationalize between need and want. Although now i am clear headed enough to sort thru my stinking thinking to not act on it and reinforce it's a bad idea. When i was using i usually had the ability to hustle up mass amounts of money daily but now i feel like i can't make ends meat. But i am grateful for the ability to think clearly and know the difference between right and wrong. I am not controlled by desperation in the same way anymore.

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3/13/11

Today i am grateful for my friends and family who help me when i really need the help. I've been really stressed lately with no money and nothing to do. I feel like a mooch sometimes and i don't want to be seen as that. I hate being this broke. My phone isn't on. My contract date on my phone keeps getting pushed out because i'm not paying the bill on time, which means i can't get a new plan until who knows when now probably mid april because i didn't pay the bill on time, which is then going to be pushed out again because i won't be able to pay the bill on time next month. Sometimes i feel like the duck analogy, i may look calm, but underneath my feet are treading as fast as they can go. Gah! Just venting...

But on the other hand, i'm grateful that i'm not too scared to ask for help otherwise i know i would be so overwhelmed and drown and i don't want to be there again!

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3/12/11

Today i am grateful for easy days at work. I got everything i needed to get done, done in the first half of the day. So i basically got to hang out with good company and get paid for it. There was no stress, no angry guests, the day went smoothly.

Today i am also grateful for my sobriety. I saw a friend yesterday i went to treatment with the first time. I knew as soon as he started talking that he was high. He even admitted he was using and he had been to prison AGAIN since we last talked about a year and a half ago. It made me grateful to be where i am. He seemed content with using and doing nothing with his life. I'm grateful to be sober, to not need a drug to have fun or be the first thing i crave when i wake up. It made me uncomfortable to be around him. Our drugs of choice were different, so i didn't feel the urge to use. I felt like we had nothing to talk about. I couldn't listen to someone talk about how they were ruining their lives. Although i am broke i know i'm not doing illegal things to feed an addiction or even just get by. That i am grateful for.

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3/7/11

So today i was thinking about the things i take for granted each day that i forget to be grateful for.

-my blow dryer. If i wasn't able to blow dry my hair each morning then i would have wet hair when i went out into the cold world, which would then cause me to be more sick than i already am and more frequently. Not to mention my hair would be a hot mess!

-lighters. I mean the cavemen who made fire for the first time were genius, but the man who made it so fire appeared at the flick of a finger, i mean c'mon, that's brilliant.

-heels. They make an ordinary outfit look classy. Not to mention i get to experience the air that the 5'5 people breathe :) also, instantly makes my legs look longer and my belly not quite so bulgey :)

-mindless games. They help keep me occupied when i'm on the bus, lunch, or just looking for something other than tv or movies to zone out too. It's great that my phone is able to do so many things, like allow me to play games or research :)

They may not seem like the most important things to be grateful for, but they are all things i use on the daily that help me in some shape or form. I am grateful today for the little things, because it makes the big things i'm grateful for that much better.

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3/6/11

Today i am grateful for being able to help my friends in their time of need and how grateful they are. Today at work nancie didn't have any cigarettes because she was waiting for her sister to give her her half of the bill money for the month. It made me feel good to know that i was able to give her cigarettes on our breaks. Even though i was down to my last couple, i felt good doing it. Nancie has been such a good friend to me at work that i wouldn't ever think of saying no. If it was my last one, i'd offer to share with her. I know if you aren't a smoker it may not be a huge thing to be grateful for, but today i was. I felt good about being able to help someone else and not be the needy one for once. Although starting tomorrow it may be a different story... but i can't worry about what hasn't happened.

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3/2/11

Today i am grateful for life's modern conviences. Today i am doing the long overdue task of my laundry. I'm wishing i had been able to take my mom up on her offer to do it. But the laundry mat makes it so much simpler! 3 loads in the time of 1. Bam! The daunting task is bearable and i get to enjoy cleans laundry later, which is always a plus!

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3/1/11

Today i am thankful to be a guinea pig at work :) i'm grateful that i have the opportunities to recieve free services at my work. I have never had a facial before and today i got to experience it for the first time. They didn't do all the extra fluff like hand and shoulder massage, but instead focused on the facial part. I got a glycolic peel which is like safe acid for your face. It burns off 14 layers of skin to unclog pores. My face is a little red right now, but beauty is suffering. Haha :) i'm grateful for a job that has so many awesome perks :)

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2/23/11

Today i am grateful for a day off from work where i don't have to have have a schedule except for mine, well and my probation lady, but the rest of the day is on my own schedule! I'm grateful that i am able to fully enjoy my days off because it's actually a day off from something! It's not just another day with nothing to do. I am given my right as an American to do nothing and enjoy it if i have a job :) haha. Today i am grateful just to be grateful.

Bring on the snow! :)

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2/21/11

Today i am grateful for all of my friends. I haven't had friends in a long time that don't expect something back from me. I've never had friends who just bring me lunch for no reason, or friends who take me out to lunch when i'm having a bad day. They never expect anything in return but my friendship. That is what friendship is about. Being there for someone when they need it. I feel like i give 110% in friendships and it's nice to know that when drugs aren't involved it's not a conditional friendship. That makes me happy and grateful for who i have in my life and grateful for those that have fallen off.

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2/20/11

Today i am grateful for the beautiful weather. It always puts me an a great mood. Although this morning when i got up, i was not so excited to make the mile and a half walk to work in the freezing cold, i just had to remind myself of the positives. I have a job. There are numerous people who would walk 2 miles in the freezing cold (my limit is 1.5 miles, so thank goodness it's not any further :) it wasn't raining today, which although it was cold out, it was beautiful watching the sun rise and the sky turn pretty colors. After i reminded myself of that i was able to enjoy my walk and be grateful i have some place to walk to!

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2/18/11

Today i am grateful for the little things that make me laugh. If i can find one humerous thing in a situation it makes the situation better, if not at least bareable.

Work has been stressful with everything i have to do. But it's the people at work that can turn a grumpy shawna in a fun shawna. Or even the guests with how crazy they are about their hair, that can always make me smile in the end. It's amazing what a smile can do in your voice to ease the situation, or what a visible smile from a stranger can do.

Today i am grateful for the humor in life because if i didn't see it, then that would mean i was the joke and that would just not be as fun :)

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day off

Today i am grateful for having a job that pays off what needs to be paid off, although i feel like i'm working for everyone else and i'm always stressed about money, it's nice to feel needed. Even though my money is pretty much gone, i made it a point to get my haircut, to finally do something for me. For an hour today it was all about me. I got an awesome scalp massage, got a deep conditioning treatment, and left with curly princess hair. It was totally worth it. It's the little moments that make it all worth while. I have a lot more confidence now with all these lucious curls.

Today i am grateful for the little things and my freedom to enjoy them.

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freedom

Today i am grateful for freedom and all who supported me and kept me upbeat the last 55 days. Of course it wouldn't be my life if there wasn't drama to go along with it, but the most important part is I'M FREE and my ankle feels surprisingly light :)

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2/8/11

I am grateful for friends who send me uplifting e-mails and help me thru the day. They are truely what keeps me going. I know in my heart that i'm doing awesome, a complete 180 from a year ago, two years ago. I am not using, i am not in jail (technically), and i have a job. Yeah, i don't have a phone, but it could be worse. I'm not sure why tmobile didn't shut off my internet too, but i will not complain. I'm grateful for the people in my life that are positive and make me complete.

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2/4/11

Today i am grateful i got my nails done for free at work. They look beautiful. I just have to keep looking at them to try and forget all the annoying things that happened today.

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1/30/11

I often forget that i am not the center of the universe. Sitting on a full bus observing everyone makes me wonder what is going on in all of their lives. Who is blissfully happy, who's struggling with addiction, which ones are in love, which ones are putting on the working class front and dying on the inside.

Sometimes i get so wrapped up in my own life and my own ups and downs, that i forget that someone out there has it a lot worse than i do. I have amazing friends, a crazy mom i wouldn't trade for the world, a full time job i'm appreciated at. Yeah, i may be broke all the time, but i'm alive, i'm loved, and i'm sober.

That is what i am grateful for today, that i'm slowly climbing out of that gynormous hole i've dug and i'm not trying to see how far deep i can go anymore.

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surrounded with positive even when the negative is trying to get it

I am grateful for the positive people in my life. For those who are always there to help or lend an ear. I'm grateful for the girls i work with that can always make me smile. I'm grateful for those that i can call to help show the positive when i'm blinded by the negative. I just have to keep remembering it could be worse, although at this current moment my bubble of how things should be has been popped. Things will work out the way they're supposed to. Things never seem to go the easy way for me, but what kind of excitment does that bring i suppose.

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random thought this morning.

I don't know what randomly made me think of my father this morning, but i am grateful for him meeting my mom and marrying her and producing me and my brother bears. I love my brothers and couldn't imagine having only sisters or being an only child. They're my little bigs and are always there for me.

Although i don't agree with anything my father did, beating my mom and causing her pain that she still goes through, i understand him. In the back of my mind i think alot of why i was able to pull through was because i didn't want to be him. My mom said he was such a great man before he started doing drugs and then the drugs took over his life. They became more important to him than his wife and kids, the withdrawls caused him to do things he wouldn't do sober. I myself have done those things, although i wasn't violent, i just wasn't acting in my normal fashion.

I'm sad that he wasn't able to get his addicition under control and he missed out on his 3 amazing children. I often wonder what life would have been like with 2 parents, having a dad to coach my softball teams, or having a dad there to "scare" any guys i dated (although i do know that my brothers have stepped up into that role in the past :). But i don't think i would have had it any other way. My mom did everything she could to raise us into good people and she did one hell of a job.

Today i am grateful i was given life by both my mother and father. I have learned so much from both of them even though my father wasn't around, he taught me through his actions what not to do.

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progress

Today i am grateful for all the progress i have made. On feb 2 i will have completed treatment! It took me almost 3 years to complete a one year program, but i have done it! I feel accomplished. It's amazing when you do good things that good things happen to you. I'm back on the path i should be on and it makes me happy :)

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my crazy

Today i am grateful for my crazy (aka my momma). Although she is absolutely insane i love her.

I'm glad we have the relationship where she feels comfortable talking to me or she's able to call me crying if she wants comfort. It hasn't always been like that. In highschool she was the lady who said no or insisted i wake her up when i got home so she could make sure i was home by curfew. At the time i thought it was absurd and she was being too overprotective, i know it was all because she loved me. Our relationship was more mother/daughter when i was in highschool.

When i moved out and went to college we became friends. It's amazing when i didn't have to actually answer to her how we could be friends. I tried to call her every couple days to say hi and update her on life. She was always very supportive but encouraged me to make my own decisions and therefor have to deal with anything that happened in result of those decisions. The best thing i ever did was make her proud by graduating from the UW. She cried out of joy and that me even more proud of my accomplishment because of how proud she was. To me it was just something i had to do, the next step, but she reminded me it was a big deal.

The next "phase" of my life doesn't make me proud except i got thru it. I was ripping and running not caring who i hurt in my path of destruction. But my mom was the only person who stood by me at all times. She visited me in jail, went to my court dates, spoke at my sentencing, she was just there if i needed to cry about the relationship i was in. We regressed back to mother/daughter, but not where she told me what to do, it was mixed with our already established friendship. She told me more about her experiences with my father in more detail that made me realize she had been there and made me have more understanding for where she's been. The one thing that broke my heart was that my mom told me she felt like a bad mother because of what i was doing, that my actions were a reflection of her parenting. That was one thing that helped me in my quest towards sobriety. I wanted my momma to be proud of me instead of thinking she was a bad parent because i was addicted to oxycontin and committing crimes to get what i wanted.

Today the mother/daughter roles have been reversed. We still have our friendship but now my mom is going thru her own rough times. I am now able to be there for her. That makes me happy that she's comfortable to talk to me about her own failing relationship and the problems in her life. I'm there if she needs comforting or just someone and talk to. Two years ago there is no way i could have been that person.

I'm grateful for my crazy lady. Without her i know i would have less amusement in my life. I couldn't even imagine not having her in my life. I have the delusion she will live forever :) i'm grateful for her friendship and support thru this crazy journey her and i are both on.

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today

Today i am grateful just for today.

If anything was going to go wrong today it did. But even thru all the stresses i am grateful to just have today. It could be worse.

I watched a show last night called "scared straight" and it was a type of intervention program for troubled teens to experience prison before they themselves end up there. Obviously i am not one to take someone else's word and i therefore am stubborn and usually need to do it myself to figure out if it's for me or not. But the show made me wonder if i had "experienced" jail before actually going if it would have made a difference. Although i wasn't a "troubled" teen, on the contrary i was an A student. But maybe to have that knowledge for "just in case", it could have made a difference.

But alas, i had to experience it myself, not prison, but jail. I don't know how i would have coped being incarcerated for multiple years. 90 days was my prison.

That leads me to be grateful that i never got that far, that i had my education, my "good girl" past to reinforce that prison was not where i was supposed to be. Although i continued to challenge that decision, the "system" always had faith in me. I am grateful today to be free and clear of being controlled by a substance. Maybe not free and clear, but the decisions i continue to make on a daily basis to stay away from people who choose that as their lifestyle help me stay free and clear. Not having it constantly shoved in my face makes it easier to say no.

I am happy to meet life's challenges head on rather than running from them. I get to actually feel rather than using oxycotin to numb me so i can just forget. I am grateful for emotions. I get to feel for once and that is something amazing.

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accountability

Today i am grateful for having accoutability in my life.

I have a job which i am eternally grateful for. Today i was called in the office and talked to about a couple calls i rushed through and were not up to standard. At first i was upset but i thought about and i'm grateful that it was brought to my attention. I want to excel in my job and if i'm doing something less than perfect then i do want to be aware. I want to be someone my managers are greatful for not someone that could easily replaced. I made the extra effort to make sure my calls were nothing less than perfect the rest of the day.

I slowed down and realized my job is not about how many calls i can take but the experience that the guests have when they call. I stopped trying to multitask between regular calls and my new responsibilities for my new position.

A good job is worth doing correctly instead of half assed. i know that the guests appreciate it, my managers appreciate it, and i feel better knowing everyone is happy.

Tomorrow i need to remind myself how grateful i am for my job and having transportation to and from. I know this snow that is falling is going to suck walking in, but in the end, the pay off is always more rewarding. I feel better about who i am today versus where i was a year ago from today.

A year ago i was wearing red, renting out space in the king county hotel. I am grateful i am not there. Every morning i walk down the hill in the morning and i see the jail, i know the schedule of the inmates and what they are doing. I am grateful for my freedom to walk by it, to a job i love, and i'm accountable for my life.

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glad i'm not there

Today i am greatful for the people in my life. The ones who are always there when i ask for help. I'm also greatful for the people in my life who make it difficult. It reminds me that there are actually people who are there for me rather than against me. I'm also greatful that although times are still rough for me finance wise, i'm spending my money on things that better my life rather than hinder me. I'm glad that my decisions aren't causing other people strife and stress *ahem* the girl who decided to spend all her money on drugs rather than pay her phone bill, which affects the other person on the plan (me). I hate that i have to ask for help to take care of her problem. But it reminds me of the wonderful people who surround me and want me to do better. I'm glad that i no longer have to choose between getting high and being responsible. I'm also glad that since i'm not artifically numbed i'm aware of other people's feelings, i don't just not care, i don't avoid phone calls, i'm a grown up unfortunately and it's about time i start acting like one.

Today i am a greatful for my true friends and family who are nothing but supportive of my recovery and progress.

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things i'm greatful for 1/3/11

1. My "kinda" freedom, which right now is better than the alternative!
2. My sobriety
3. My crazy insane momma :)
4. My promotion at work!
5. My friends who are always there to help me when i ask for it, and even when i don't :)
6. Having a warm place to sleep.
7. The bus being on time and no traffic!
8. Knowing that tomorrow isn't promised and if today was my last day I'd be happy with what I've accomplished and how far I've come.
9. My education.
10. A warm coat and gloves in this chilly weather

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