3/20/11

Today i am grateful for sobriety. Last night i was watching Intervention and it was the first time i have ever cried while watching tv. Usually the person is addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth, or heroin. This one the girl was addicted to oxycontin. It was a wakeup call to see how this girl talked to people and made herself out to be the victim. I remember yelling and screaming at my mom or my other family members that they didn't understand, when all they were doing was trying to help me and understand why their smart girl had turned into this monster. I am grateful to have built my relationships back up with my family, especially my crazy lady. Watching that woman freak out on tv made me grateful i am not there, i am not dependent upon a drug to live.

I still feel like i'm drowning sometimes but my thoughts are more clear. I find some of my own stinking thinking rise up sometimes about getting money, not for drugs, but for money. Being broke i equate to when i was using drugs because before then if i needed something i had the means to pay for it. Now i have a job and i have to rationalize between need and want. Although now i am clear headed enough to sort thru my stinking thinking to not act on it and reinforce it's a bad idea. When i was using i usually had the ability to hustle up mass amounts of money daily but now i feel like i can't make ends meat. But i am grateful for the ability to think clearly and know the difference between right and wrong. I am not controlled by desperation in the same way anymore.

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